Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
