yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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