i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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