dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
