im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
