I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
