dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
