She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
