Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
