I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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