Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize