Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
