I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just want nice things and good sex
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
