It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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