Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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