I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
