i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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