I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
