you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
