Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
