I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
