Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
