This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
last night I used snow as a chaser
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