i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
