I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
