i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
