Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
