He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
