Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
