I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
