i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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