woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
