apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
