if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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