I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
