did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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