hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
