She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
