shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
