I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I wear drunk well.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
