I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
