my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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