also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
