no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
