This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You dont lie about slip and slides
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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