She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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