i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
