also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
