So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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