he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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