i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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