just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
