Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
