so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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