i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize