My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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