Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
he just fucked me for my cheese..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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