Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
