she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
