The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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