I want to stick my p in your. b.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
