i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
