Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
